So I had a job interview last night. It was for a company I’ve never heard of before, ActionCOACH Business Coaches. I’ve heard of business coaches before, but I had to smile as they went through their business model. Here is an excerpt from the website www.actioncoach.com: “You need a Business Coach, a business mentor to hold you accountable, to demand a profit, to demand results, someone to push you, cajole you and hopefully more often than the rest … congratulate you on a job well done …”

Of course it’s very different than an erotic power exchange relationship, for obvious reasons. But the similarities are there. You sit down with your coach/mentor, decide what your priorities are and what you need to do to get there. You spell out the steps you’re going to take and the results you want. You check in frequently and give updates on your progress. And, most importantly, you celebrate your accomplishments.

It’s different than having a boss. Bosses are concerned with their goals, not yours (generally). You have goals and assignments, but the end result is more important than the process or what you’ve learned/how much you’ve grown in the process. And while they might reward you occasionally for your achievements, they don’t tend to be interested in your personal goals.

And then, of course, there’s the intimacy and connection. I’ve known people who’ve gotten very close to their business coaches. But in my opinion nothing can equal the connection between two people who share love, playfulness, accountability, and a sense of purpose. It just doesn’t get any better than that.

The first draft of our fourth book (the second in the Clifftop Fantasies series) is done!! It look a little longer than we’d hoped, because we had some big chainmail orders to fill. And we’ve had some of our biggest shows of the year in the last month (Denver Pridefest, that unnamed Denver fetish event from It’s Only Kinky the First Time, Rocklahoma, etc.). And we got to go to RomCon! RomCon was (as always) a lot of fun. Reggie and I decided to go “in costume,” sort of. He wore his leathers and I wore a corset. It got some attention, but unfortunately nobody asked for sample bondage. I don’t know if Reggie was disappointed, but I was!

There was a leatherman’s dinner at the hotel on Saturday night, so there were lots of good-looking guys in leather wandering around. We even had a couple of them come in and hang out at our table at the booksigning! It was kind of fun.

Anyway, the fourth book is tentatively called Falcon’s Fantasy and we think it’s our best one so far. After it goes through our editing I may post a little teaser. And what we’ve got planned for our next project is going to be really cool! It shouldn’t take as long as Falcon did, either. Back to work!

You hear a lot about predators in the BDSM community. It’s something I’d always wondered about too. Whenever we go to clubs, I look around at the single guys and wonder, “Are you a predator?”

The funny thing is, I was never sure what would constitute a predator. Were they serial killers? Rapists? You didn’t really hear about women falling prey in the community to things like that. (But maybe you wouldn’t; how would I know?) I’d heard about bottoms who got so into the play that they wouldn’t call a safeword and came away with actual physical harm, but did that constitute predation? Or a lack of experience? Or so intense a session they lost their common sense?

In Shanna Katz’s (a well known sex educator) review of “50 Shades of Grey,” she makes an excellent point about predatory behavior in the BDSM community:

I have some issues with the idea that he wouldn’t even consider playing with her (or anyone else, for that matter) a few times before bringing up the idea of a full time (or full weekend?) slave contract. I feel like if someone did that in our local community (“If you’re interested in me, you must sign a 24/7 contract before we can see if you like this and if we are compatible together”), we would call out that person for predatory behavior (actually, this has happened in our community, and said person was banned from multiple dungeons for poaching on newbies to the scene, and contracting them to his “house” without allowing them to get their footing first). (
http://shannakatz.com/2012/07/05/book-review-fifty-shades-of-grey/
)

We were also at a discussion group at our local dungeon a couple of weeks ago where the topic was Predators in the Community. I was really curious to hear what they had to say, specifically if there were any real stories that I hadn’t heard. What they had to say was very interesting, but not nearly as scary as I’d always thought.

Basically, what people label as “predatory” behavior seems, more often than not, to be poor relationship skills. These are people who don’t negotiate well (or don’t disclose everything they intend to do in a scene), play harder than their partners are capable or willing to play, or don’t bother to take their partners’ needs into consideration. They are not necessarily out to hurt people. They’re just selfish and don’t care enough about their partners.

I asked the club owner if there were many actual psychopathic predators who came through the club  looking for victims. She said that she could usually tell when people called her for information whether they were interested in the lifestyle or just wanted places to pick people up. The ones who seemed to her to have bad motives were not given the address of the cub or invited to attend.  Those who did seem okay to her and were allowed to attend the club generally didn’t result in any negative experiences. The few times someone was questionable they were not allowed to return.

Now, I thought that was pretty interesting. Public dungeons can seem like dangerous places, especially if you’ve never been to one. It helps to realize that they’re full of people who know a lot about the lifestyle and are watching new people to see how they act and what their motives are. So BDSM clubs are actually much safer than regular clubs for just that reason. They are very concerned with public image and so are self policing. Nobody at a nightclub is watching people flirt with you and worrying about their motives, at least nobody that you didn’t bring with you!

I feel a little better knowing that there aren’t likely to be psychopaths wandering around our public dungeon (even if some of the regulars kind of look… well, I won’t go there!). Not that I go there to meet new partners. But that’s the purpose of a community–to look out for each other–isn’t it?

Okay, let me start out by saying I know this is fiction we’re talking about. My problem with the story isn’t the writing, or the unbelievability of it. I think most of it is fairly believable. There are people like Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey out there.

What I don’t get is Christian Grey’s motivation. I am about 2/3 of the way through the second book right now. In the first book, Christian tells Ana that he “needs” to beat people. In the second book, he further tells her that he feels compelled to beat dark-haired women to punish his crack-whore mother. That’s very possible. There are probably lots of people who want to hit other people to punish parents or others in their lives.

What doesn’t work for me is that then Christian’s psychologist tells Ana that BDSM is a perfectly healthy lifestyle choice, and Christian is growing out of his need for it, anyway.

Does anybody else see the discrepancy here? If Christian feels the need to beat up women who remind him of his mother, that is NOT (and I repeat NOT) a healthy lifestyle choice.

A real dominant does not beat people because he needs to. He beats them because they get something out of it. I can get Christian as a dominant who enjoys the BDSM lifestyle. Or I could understand him as a psychologically damaged person who feels a compulsion to punish his dead mother.

But not both.

So my problem with having both of these motivations is this: If I didn’t know anything about BDSM, I’d be horribly confused. Is this healthy or is it a sign of a deep psychological disturbance? I’ve asked psychologists about “real” sadism and sexual sadism. Turns out there’s a significant difference between someone who wants to beat people whether they consent to it or not (and probably preferably not) and someone who doesn’t mind beating people but only when they ask nicely.

I will write in a day or two about something I heard last week at a meeting at our local club. We were discussing predators in the community, and I was a little surprised (and a little not) by what I came away with. More about that later… And probably a little more ranting about the impression of BDSM that 50 Shades is probably giving people. Nothing personal, Ms. James. I know you didn’t write the books with the purpose of educating people on what the BDSM community is really like. The effects it’s having is kind of like when people in Europe watched “Dallas” and “Baywatch” on television and concluded that they were accurate depictions of American life. It’s unfortunate, but that’s the thing about freedom of speech, right? I am truly grateful for the attention that 50 Shades is drawing to BDSM fiction. And it gives me lots of fuel for blog posts. Can’t complain!

Saving sunni has been having a review blitz and blog tour, in case you didn’t see my (or Reggie’s) posts and Tweets about it! There have been some very nice reviews (thanks!!) and some book giveaways and free gifts being given away. Several of the contests are finishing up in the next couple of days, so if you’d like a free copy or some nice chainmail jewelry and book swag, check out these great bloggers and reviewers:

REVIEW BLITZ

 T B R Adventures of Frugal Mom 
Books, Books, and More Books
Just Heard, Just Read, Just Seen
Guilty Indulgence Review Site
Sweet N Sassi

Tour
6/22 Guilty Indulgence Review Site /Review
6/24 Just Heard, Just Read, Just Seen /Interview
6/25Redheads Review It Better/Guest Post and Give Away
6/27 Wickedly Bookish excerpt and spot light
6/26 Books, Books, and More Books /1st Chapter and Give Away
6/27 Adventures of Frugal Mom /Interview
6/28 T B R /1st Chapter
6/30 Wickedly Bookish/Guest Post and Give Away
6/30 Understanding Shae’s Story /Review and Give Away
7/1 Black Hippie Chick’s Take on Books & The World /Review  and Giveaway
7/1 Soliloquy /Review and Give Away
7/2 Stressed Rach/Review and Give Away
7/2Purple Penguin Reviews/Review
7/2 Day Dreaming /Spot Light and Giveaway
7/3 Redheads Review It Better  Review   

I recently exchanged a few emails with a reader who was tentatively starting a D/s relationship with her husband. They had experimented but didn’t feel like they were getting deep enough. We talked about a few things they could incorporate into their relationship and what to take and leave of the advice available. Here is an excerpt of an email she sent me this week:

“I always felt we had good communication in our marriage, but since we have started down the path of D/s our communication has grown exponentially!!  My husband has taken on the Dominant side of our relationship with both hands and has fully embraced it.  He has been listening to a podcast by a Dom and his sub, Ending the Sexual Dark Age..  One of the hardest rules my husband has for me is to give my honest and true opinion.  I am so concerned with pleasing him and our children, by telling them what I think they want, that I sacrafice my thoughts and wants for them.  He will not allow me to do that.  I struggle with it.  I have been punished a few times for not honestly giving MY thoughts and desires when he tells me to give them.  He does truly value what I have to say.  I never realized it.  He has told me several times this week how witty and insightful I am.  He has NEVER said that to me in our 15 years of marriage…  We had our first real session this week as well.  I am glad we have been reading and researching.  It prepared us for some of the expectations.  I found that I really did want and enjoy submitting to him.  I also found that I am a bit of a masochist.  I never realized it… It was scary, but my husband was very good to me and took care of me.  We are planning more sessions and he has given me some homework to find items around our home to use as a paddle.  I am sure we have plenty!..  I do want you to know that finding this lifestyle and community has been an amazing awakening.  We have never felt stronger in our marriage as we do now in our journey with D/s.  I love my place as a sub and feel an extremely strong desire to continue to please and serve my husband.  My husband has stated many times of how he never realized the qualities and feelings the he has being the Dominant.  He feels that it is very natural to him.  He is definitely more loving and caring than I have ever seen in our time together.  Even during our courtship and the honeymoon phase of our marriage, which I thought was great.  This aspect of our relationship is so much deeper than I could have ever imagined.”

I get goose bumps every time I read this. D/s and M/s have the potential to add a layer of intensity, focus and mutual appreciation to a relationship, if they’re done right. So many people focus on the spankings or the sex, but it makes me feel wonderful to see people who are using D/s to help their partners become stronger and more confident in their own abilities and worth!

I have to say, sunni’s release day was a lot busier than sage’s! It was probably mostly because we did a release day review blitz from Innovative Online Blog Tours (very nice people!), but also because we know a little more now. Not to say that I did enough (although Sir was very busy and productive), but I think we’re starting to get a feel for the possibilities of book marketing.

This was a very special release day for us. It was the first book with both our names on it, for one thing. And then a short story released the same day, also with both names. So for Sir, it was his first “official” release day and it was a double one! So congratulations, Sir – good work!

These books are truly a labor of love for us. We really want to show the BDSM lifestyle the way it’s lived in the real world. It may sound more exciting when there are billionaires and helicopters involved, but it’s also important (we think) to show that normal people can have intensity and intentionality in their relationships too. It’s not impossible in “vanilla” relationships, but it’s so easy to just let things go and focus on your own daily irritations and distractions. In a healthy power exchange relationship you have to learn to let go of your own reactions and focus on your partners’ needs. (At least it’s a good thing to shoot for!)

Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox now. We are hugely grateful to everyone who made it possible for us to publish the Keyhole Series. We love these characters. As always, we’re very anxious to get feedback and questions, both on the lifestyle and on our writing. You can’t improve if you’re not willing to look at what you could do better!

I’ll blog later about our new “BDSM advice column” on www.tokii.com. It’s a really cool website and we’re very excited about it. But for now, back to work!